Tuesday, 1 January 2008

Dear Tanya

I really feel that I am wasting my time here, and I know from past experience that trying to reason with you is a fruitless exercise, but I really needed to respond to some of your comments in the numerous emails you sent to K following the end of your affair. These emails continued for quite some time and appeared to be trying to elicit sympathy, or something of that nature, but also exhibited a certain amount of bitterness, rudeness, sarcasm, insults and vindictiveness.

As you know, I initially thought that you were trying to seduce K in order to get a UK visa, but you vehemently denied this. Actually, it was your numerous denials, in almost every email, that convinced me even more that I was correct. In my estimation, guilty people usually go overboard in trying to deny an accusation, and give many justifications for their actions, which is exactly what you did, so desperate were you to convince us of your 'innocence'. I have highlighted these denials and justifications throughout my responses, so that you can see how desperate you were in your protestations of innocence. Perhaps you expected K to respond in some way regarding my accusations – maybe you wanted him to reassure you that he didn’t believe it to be true. But in truth, even he could not be totally sure that you were genuine. K did, however, respond to your emails in other ways, and he did so far more often than I would have liked, but you completely refused to accept his explanations, replying with even more expressions of your anguish and sorrow, and, more annoyingly, your misguided opinions about the rights and wrongs of his confession.

This whole situation went far beyond what was reasonable, and the subsequent heartache could have ended much sooner if you had accepted K’s decision to end the affair and respected his requests to stop sending personal texts and emails. I also think you made certain comments in the knowledge that K was showing your emails to me, and you perhaps hoped that this would stir up further trouble between us which would send him running back to you. After re-reading all your emails, with my shock and anger having subsided somewhat over the intervening months, I almost started to change my opinion and thought that perhaps I may have been over-reacting. However, having read many books and articles on infidelity (and how to recover from it), I learned that ex-mistresses generally turn very bitter and revengeful and will say anything to justify their situation. Some of your comments certainly seemed to confirm this theory, and I still think you had more 'motivation' for this affair than you were prepared to admit.

And so to the emails. This one was your reply to the misguided first email I sent to you (while K was over in the Ukraine in October 2006) after discovering your “I will be dreaming of you for 3 nights” message in K’s work email account, which you sent prior to that trip. When I sent my email, I was totally in the dark about how intense your relationship had become. I had been under the impression that K had put a stop to the personal emails and text messages (the latter of which I had discovered in May 2006). It was only a few days later, when K returned from the October Ukraine trip and confessed, that I discovered he had not asked you to stop, and the affair had, in fact, become physical. The truth eventually emerged that he had slept with you back in May 2006 (straight after my discovery of your text messages) and again in June 2006. Following K's confession, I believed that May/June 2006 was the start of the physical side of the affair, but a short time later, when K answered some of my burning questions, it emerged that it had, in fact, already become physical in April 2006 in Krakow, when he decided to stick his head between your legs!

Anyway, you replied to my email after K's email to you telling you that he had confessed and that the affair was over.

17th October 2006:
Dear D, Let me start my reply from the very end of your email. Yes, I DO UNDERSTAND YOU. I realise that I made the situation painful and endangered your marriage. I am also very sorry for the things have gone out of control on such a direction.

We may be curious about why it happened? I hope K was enough honest to tell you the main reason, although I wonder he has told you everything as it was, making me the main villain of the situation. But my justification? In such a situation? I assume it will be useless and the boundaries of your hatred to me can’t move further they have already been. Besides, I don’t want to hurt K, for he is the man, I have hardly known before, though it may sound for you quite cynical.
Well, at that early stage, no, he hadn’t told me everything as it was, that came much later, but he certainly did not make you out to be the main villain, as you assume. This was just the start of your annoying habit throughout these emails of ‘jumping to conclusions’.

Dear D, I want you to know one thing. The main one is I am not a schemer, and never tried to ruin your marriage, I have never dared think about it. The process of my falling in with K was not my initiative, I have always been a shy and hesitant person, and it was K who made me feel more confident and certain in situation among the people, and, must admit, encouraged me to some kind of feeling gratefulness to him, which unfortunately grew into quite further feeling, that you may have predicted all the situation far ahead.

Another thing, concerning the same issue how could I be planning something knowing unreasonble difference in age and distance and difference of cultures. And it still sounds more ridiculous about my striving for trapping an Englishman for the sake of getting a British passport. Why should I do that in such a way? But it is still your right to think of me whatever you like, and of course I DO UNDERSTAND YOU, D. I thought old streotypes of perception the people from Eastern Europe have gone but I was mistaking.
Well, stereotypes exist for a reason, and that is because these things do still happen, and not only in Eastern Europe. Many people have been conned into this type of relationship, without the slightest suspicion that it was all false. I don’t know whether my suspicion is valid at all, and we’ll never really know, as you are not suddenly going to confess. However, the only reason you can even try to deny my accusation is that K did the initial pursuing, so it never appeared that you were ‘seducing’ him at all, therefore you felt quite justified in your denial. Again, this is all my opinion. However, K mentioned that you did once give him a certain 'look', which caused him to wonder whether you were interested in him, and which prompted his chasing you.

Also, something K said to me a while ago again made me a little suspicious. He recalled your comment to him about your husband's suggestion that you should get a job as a cleaner in the UK! Perhaps this would pay more than your teaching job in Poland, I don't know. But how would you have achieved this? Surprisingly, I have heard that in some cases the spouse is also involved in, and actively encourages, these 'marriage scams', so perhaps he was fully aware of what you were doing, in order that you would all eventually be able to get into the UK. I could just be rambling here, but it’s not so far beyond the realms of possibility - it has happened. Perhaps that's why he was there to meet the UK partners on one occasion - so that he could view your 'meal ticket' to the UK!!

Oh my God, writing provoking things to Ian with the same purpose, despite of all my knocked down situation does look very misleading. Yes, I texted once to Ian, without knowing clearly that it was his number to inform that I got visa, and mailed him after our first visit to UK a thankful mail of fascinating the country and the people, on behalf of everyone who was with me that time. You can have a point there it might look too familiar but it was my mischivous humour about his purchases in Ukraine, which doesn’t mean my scheming by no means. Another thing is I am not a native speaker and trying to tel more it may have looked familiar or informal, but it wasn’t. Why would you send a text containing information of that nature to a number you weren’t sure about? And on that same subject, Ian said he had received ‘a number’ of emails and texts from you (not one of each, as you claim), which were ‘overly familiar’ as he put it. And here we have the ‘sense of humour’ and ‘not a native speaker’ excuse – one that you kept repeating. The fact is, you have a sufficient command of the English language to know what is accepted and what is not.

When I emailed Martin to try and have you removed from the project, his reply also gave me cause to wonder about your motives. He did suggest that you may simply have been trying to make the best of the opportunity to make contact with people in the UK, perhaps with a view to moving here once you get Polish citizenship. But let me copy some of the other comments he made [My bold]:

“…Many thanks for letting me know – it is not a surprise

“Tanya doesn’t realise the impact her obsessive contacts with male friends can have”

Tanya is quite pushy and has no hesitation in contacting people and being familiar in her behaviour in a way that is acceptable in Ukraine but not in the UK when she comes in contact with people in order to help get favours – that is very typical of Ukrainians.”

“..it is always also possible she is thinking of seducing a Briton to get the right to stay and that K and her have been very good at hiding it.”

And his comments were made without any prompting from me. All I did was try to get you taken off the project, saying your friendship with K was becoming a worry to me.

Anyway, D, I must admit, it is no use to write you more, for I am not trying to make myself better than I am. No, you were simply trying to deflect any responsibility and blame from yourself. Certainly, some things you said in these emails were expressions of deep distress and sorrow, but other comments were pure fantasy and lies and excuses.

I must also tell you it is not a pure chance of my fascinating K, it was not only me who liked him. All the ladies from our project are fond of K, and I think it is just flattering for you to know remarkable features about your husband. He is really worth such a strong love as you must have to him (and I have had misfortune to experience it either). Both of us wanted to seek things we were lacking in our marriages, and it was the main reason of our straying, which I must regret severely as I also put at stake the peace in my own family, which could result still more sadly for my kid, not only for my husband. I wasn’t concerned about who else liked K – they did not do what you did. If your relationship had stayed on a friendly basis, I would have had no problem with it.

There is NO good reason or justification for having an affair. When something is lacking in a marriage (or PERCEIVED to be lacking, as it was in our case), then it is a matter for discussion and possible resolution. If and when the problems are found to be absolutely beyond repair (after doing everything possible to solve them), THEN, and only then, is there justification for ending the marriage and looking for someone else. People stray because they don't know how to deal with the problems marriage presents. A happy marriage is the responsibility of BOTH parties, but everyone has a different perspective on ‘happy’, I suppose. I thought we were happy, for the most part, but it wasn’t only K who had cause to be unhappy. K had certain traits that I wasn't happy about (but I suppose they never became evident to you in the short time you spent alone with him). Neither of us knew how to deal with these problems and our communication broke down. So, I will not take any responsibility for K’s decision to have an affair. I do, however, take JOINT responsibility for the state of our relationship, and we BOTH should have worked harder to resolve the issues. K had a choice – discuss his concerns with me so that we can try to put them right, or have an affair, and he simply made the wrong choice. There is no such thing as a perfect, problem-free marriage, but a successful marriage has two spouses who actively resolve such issues as they arise.

I am sure K will see this painful mail of mine, for it is really hard for me to write it. However, I decided not to go to bed without replying you, as even having found myself in such a disgraceful situation, being honest is the principal thing for me. [So you consider having an illicit affair to be honest, do you?] I’ve never escaped from apologising, whatever situation arose. It is very important to admit defeat, I’m sure, though the situation has occured to me for the first time, and will never appear again. I cannot say I’ve lost, as there was no fight, I suppose. [Yes you have lost – both this fight AND your dignity.]

If you are still have any questions to me or any other warnings, you are welcome, English is always preferable language for me to write in any situation. You haven’t taken into concideration that my bitter humour [That tired excuse yet again!] (which does help me in my hard life) was misperceived several times, and not only by you. And what concerns English I always wanted to correspond in this language, improving it, translating lots of materials about our curriculum etc. for [name of University] at the start of the project, entirely free, without thinking it may cause problems to anyone.

Again I say ‘sorry’ for all the pains I have brought to you, please, take care of K, as I still have some deep feeling to him in spite of the situation he has created for me. Tanya

P.S. Another thing I wanted to admit to you, your impressive skills and inteligence in IT, for hacking requires these features. I do believe that hacking into my bank account, just today before opening my mail-box, making it empty, was only pure coincidence.

OK, I’m going to have a go at deciphering this last comment! One of my habits, be it good or bad, is that I am a deep thinker (you could say I have a vivid imagination) and I tend to look into things in great detail. Certain things you did and said simply reinforced my opinion that you were planning something. At the time, however, I didn't really know what to make of this statement, or what you were hoping to achieve, if anything. Firstly, I find it quite hard to believe that this event actually happened! It was such an drastic thing to say, insinuating that I had hacked into your bank account, but I have been thinking about this in more detail recently, and wondered whether there was some deeper purpose to your accusation. I may be totally wrong with this, but anything is possible when you are desperate to get what you want. I believe you saw your opportunity (of fast-tracking your entry into the UK) slipping away with the ending of the affair and used this comment to make a last-ditch effort to get something as a reward for your efforts.

You obviously assumed that I was a computer hacker, thinking that was how I gained access to K's emails, when in fact it was a simple guess at his password, as K later informed you. You really had no idea of my level of competence with computers, and in your ignorance you probably thought it would make K wonder if I really did have anything to do with it, and (possibly) that he would feel obliged to compensate you in some way. It could also just have been one of your many attempts to turn K against me. Of course, there is no way I could have done it, and K knew this, even if you didn’t. In short, having had your main plan exposed and brought to an end, I think you were trying to elicit money. It really makes me wonder if this was the case, because once you were informed that I was not a hacker, this incident was never mentioned again. Did you go to the police? Did you report this to anyone? Did you ever discuss it again with K? Was Martin or your employer told? I think not, otherwise you would have discussed this with K, but he says you never mentioned it again. This should have been a major incident, but I think once you found out that I couldn't possibly have done anything, it was swiftly forgotten as it was a total fabrication. I can't imagine what other reason there would be for you to say such a thing, as it was a fairly drastic accusation to make.

You then sent K a text and an email, expressing your feelings about the way he ended the affair.

17th October 2006:
I regret very much about my too kind reply, for afterwards, I felt I had been treated like the worse person from the dive not by D (one can understand her) but by you; as what can I think of you after noticing that the weekend mail was not brutal only, but also looked being dictated by D, or simply written by her hand on your behalf.

Well, it was dictated by me in a way, the basic premise having been taken from a website designed to help people recover from infidelity. Marriage Builders recommends that the ‘wayward’ spouse should make a swift end to an affair by sending a ‘No Contact’ letter to the affair partner. The wayward spouse should respect the betrayed spouse and make a commitment and a promise that they are willing to work on rebuilding the marriage, and that they will not see or speak to the affair partner ever again. Obviously, in this case, it wasn’t possible to reach a full ‘No Contact’ situation straight away (despite my attempt to get you removed), as the project was still ongoing, but you could have saved a lot of anguish (on all sides) by respecting K’s decision. And it was his decision, as I did give him the opportunity to make the choice of what he really wanted, and he wanted to recover our marriage. I never forced him in any of the decisions he made. Instead you went off on this accusatory trail, with nothing but suppositions, sarcasm and vindictiveness.

The thing I had expected was that it would be over but in not such a cruel for me way,because I presume gentlemen are good mannered gentlemen not only for deceited wives but at least not so heart-breaking for the women they used to deceit with.

See explanation above as to why K should not have tried to ease the situation for you any more than he already had.

And you have also deceited me for such a long period of time, telling,or lying about your feeling,but aching only for sensory,physical and emotional experiences which you couldn'd find within your marriage,calling it later Fitting to simplify your feeling to the lowest.

I do wonder to which period you are referring, when you say K was aching for things he couldn’t find in his marriage, because as from May 2006 (just after I found your text messages and just after he slept with you at the Ibis), K was actually receiving sensory, physical and emotional experiences in his marriage again, despite having only started the physical side of the affair with you in April! But I suppose he never told you that our sex life had resumed, so you were, in a way, also being deceived, while K was trying to ‘have his cake and eat it too’.

I also dare to assme that it was your own idea to ask D to mail me,as you wanted to get rid of me,being embarassed and puzzled with my consuming feeling,which I had misfortune to feel to you.

More jumping to conclusions. No, K did not ask me to mail you. I mailed you because I was angry at a situation that I thought had been stopped, but obviously K had lied to me about that. And I did not send the email ending the affair – K sent that himself from my account.

I am still at a loss with all that bare truth,being close to do something not to see you again,for I used to tell you,that I am too steady in my feeling,and for me all connected with emotional state,feeling or opinion isn't used in continious,i.e.has no temporary action,plenty of time should pass to heal my wounds.Even after your brutal Elbow I still can't pull through,the way it has been done by you has totally knocked me down.

You were not preparing for the end of the affair at all. As we will see from later emails, you fully expected to remain in contact with K, even though the affair had been exposed! So how can you say you were preparing for the end? The rest of this paragraph is just plain rambling, and I have no idea what it means.

I have nothing more to tell you,all my gratefulness I expressed in my text,which you haven't replied leaving for D to read your mail and my reply and to deserve her faster forgiving you and cooling her blood.

By the way have you told her about your feeling like spring chick with reminds of me?How long will you be getting out of that inglorious feeling to Ukrainian who wanted to trap you or to ask for favours to ease my passage across the countries.I really thought ladies from secular society were off stereotypes of 'cold war times'.

I can say neither regards nor take care of you (I am not lady from refined society) [You really excelled in sarcasm, that’s for sure] I am only suffering and finishing my painful mail full of tears never to do it again. Tanya

K thought this needed a response, assuming that this would be the end of the matter. I saw and approved the email K sent, but you were still not happy, and so it went on. Yet again, your response was in direct opposition of the decision K had taken.

17th October 2006:
Dear K, I've never thought that for regaining the trust with D after making a step astray(it is entirely your business) it was necessary for you to jeopardise my situation and you had to be so vindictive,as to let it out for the other people to know.

Why did you keep on with this nonsense that K was telling everyone? He was not being vindictive at all, and he did not let anything out to anyone. K was simply trying, against my better judgement, to placate you in any way he could, so that your final communications and meetings would be as professional as possible. Something you completely disregarded.

I am sure you are still doing experiments on my recilience and my patience,and I even guess in what a way.Where will be the border of your cruelty?How far are you going to reach my failure?Are you going to ruin your own building of my self-confidence,or still so far to deprive me of all my success at work?I told D that I had been so far from stealing you,it was another reason.Can you stop her from threatening me? Tanya.

No, it was YOU doing the experiments on OUR resilience and patience! You made it sound like I continued to threaten you. I had sent you one email up to this point, and emailed Martin to try and get you taken off the project, and that’s all. You are certainly a master of exaggeration (as well as sarcasm, jumping to conclusions and vindictiveness).

So, yet another (final!) reply from K was called for. And still you weren’t happy.

18th October 2006:
Dear K, I don't agree with your statement here to be truthful as for me it would be a great loss for the rest of my life to know my husband deceited me,and I would never come back to the previous feeling and that third person would always stand between us. So,maybe in your situation it is another issue.

Yes, it was another issue in our situation, and absolutely none of your business why we decided to reconcile. Also, you had no right at all to question or disagree with K’s choices. For your information, we now have a better relationship than ever. But don’t get the idea that this affair was a good thing for us. I would rather have saved our marriage in a completely different way.

I do beleive on Martin's common sense and his sensibility in such questions,though I am not sure if I can write to him about this problem I can't still realize you have done it for me,for if not you than D will tell it to the others.Though on the other hnd it is not flattering for the woman if her husbnd strays,something must be wrong.

I wondered what you were hoping to achieve with this constant barrage of accusations and bitterness. K had already explained who knew about this situation, and how much. As for not being flattering for a woman if her husband strays – well, as I’ve said before, I do not look upon this as being my ‘fault’. Something was wrong, for both of us, but I didn’t decide to have an affair to try and ease my unhappiness. In reality, a wayward spouse usually gives no indication at all to the betrayed spouse that there is anything wrong with the relationship (and K certainly never made any sign to me that he was unhappy), until they meet their 'soulmate' whereby they then start looking for excuses to explain why their adultery is OK. This is called re-writing the marital history for their own purposes. I suspect that your husband (if he wasn't involved in the scam) is blissfully unaware that you are unhappy in your marriage, and that you would be willing to sacrifice your values in such a way (assuming you have any).

I can't write any more now s it is a break and I don't want to appeare in front of my students in tears.

And the last committments in the project would help me much in my financial situation.But again it depends upon the moral aspects of the gentlemen.
Sorrowful Tanya

More emotional blackmail. Also, you become involved in an illicit relationship with a married man, deceiving your own husband in the process, and then talk about morals. Priceless!!

P.S. By the way did D stop or I will get some more accusations?

If only I could have done more. I really wanted to get you off the face of the planet at this stage! And, what a surprise, K needed to send another response, again saying this would be the final one.

It was around this time that I made a comment about travelling with K on his next trip to Poland, which he then informed you about, much to my annoyance. I really wish I had gone ahead with that plan. K put me off, saying it would make people suspicious. I should have ignored his request.

When K sent his next email just to confirm travel plans, you sent this sarcastic reply, again mixing personal comments with project matters, despite being asked not to.

23rd October 2006:
K, If it is so neccessary for you to know about Bogusia's plan, all the atmosphere around the project is so dull and pressing that I can't think normally about it. I've still appealed to my sober thinking reply to your last Advice-breaking mail, but couldn't focus on it as well as on the rest of my work. So, it wil be replied later, but shall be. [Even though you’ve been asked to stop the emails] Awfull splitting headache and bad frame of mind are following me for several days. Bogusia told me she was going to take you (sorry, the rest of your colleagues) to Horyniec and to show Oleszyce's main sites. As for her training program for Monday (November 27th) she has resigned it at all, having transferred it for week 2 or 3.I wrote about it to Martin yesterday. If you are so interested about my weekend, it wasn't as good, as yours, I suppose, as I haven't seen the dearest to me person, my daughter, and good fun lasted only as long as my stay at the Polish wedding. Then all came back to the same state. Oh, I am breaking the ban! [Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit!] It's high time to stop here till my frame of mind changes. Best wishes to you. Tanya.

I was tempted to respond to this myself, but K persuaded me not to, saying it would only cause me more anguish. He reminded me of the solution we had agreed on, which was that there would be no reply at all (where had I heard that before?), or one that simply said, “OK, that’s your view, the personal stuff is finished and no answering of individual points.” I calmed down and let the situation unfold further, because you certainly hadn’t yet done with your vitriol.

And lo and behold, a few days later came your promised ‘sober-thinking’ reply to K’s ‘advice-breaking’ email. It didn’t appear too sober-thinking to me. You REALLY wanted K to know how bad you felt, as if you hadn’t already done so. This one was really intended to tug at the heart strings.

27th Oct 2006:
Dear K, My rational judgement prompts me not to use the adjective in front of your name any more, but my soul and my heart still are influenced by the experience I have recently survived, starting from so sweet recalls and finishing so unpredictably, affecting my consciousness and my further life, having brought me so much pains and sorrows. Frankly speaking, I am not sure I will say here all I have wanted, as hardly I see your name, all the emotions occupy me, replacing the common sense. Besides, being not a native speaker, I can express something not properly enough, so it may lead again to misunderstanding.

The fact is, you were being over-familiar with Ian and K from the start. It was not a misunderstanding. Your motives were perfectly clear - you were testing the water with both of them, to see who would bite first. K told me about the 'shy glance' you gave him on their first visit to the Ukraine, which gave him the idea that you fancied him. Luckily for you, K then made his advances towards you before your moves became too obvious, making you appear innocent.

When I came back from Ukraine having scary weekend at home with a poor sick little one and parents’ complaints, and discovered my other problems, including D’s mail (having read it between lessons) I still could move and think. Though she blamed me in things, I have never been aware of, I understood how much she was fighting for her marriage, which I injured unintensionally, expressing only my feeling, demanding nothing in return, trying to prepare myself emotionally to the logical end, as you have been promising since summer. [As stated earlier, you had no intention of ending it as simply as that.] Despite of all the accusations she had sprinkled on me, which were indirect from our affair and were just conceived (as trapping an unsuspicious Englishman for the sake of the passport), or MAILING to IAN familiar emails! Or texting him! Yes I once texted him when I got visa, without knowing exactly whose number it was as I thought it was Faculty’s. [You tried this excuse before – why would you think a mobile number would belong to the whole faculty? Who did you think would answer? And why text someone without knowing for certain it was their number? This excuse does not stand up to scrutiny.] I also mailed a thankful mail after our return from UK in February, full of positive emotions about the country of my dream (I never concealed it) about the people leaving there, expressing my nice impressions after my first visit. [I will point out again, you actually sent more than one ‘familiar’ email to Ian.] But trying to ruin marriage in such a way? It is really too-far-going. But when a woman defends her marriage, or fighting for her only man, all ways are justificated, I presume, though I have never done it, I always thought men were not worth it, and I was right (there are, of course, exceptions, not to hurt you again).

But when I read your mail, sent from D’s mailbox, or better to say designed by her, I got frozen. All of that between us should have died between us, but not to go out into the public.
[You were told several times that only the three of us knew the whole truth] I felt as if I was thrown into mud full of sewage and someone was cutting me through. It was an awfull feeling, I couldn’t realize it at that moment, as it was so sudden, so cold-heartedly as if I were a piece of log, put on the fire to heat someone’s ego not to consider that wood can also feel pain (though I have never been indifferent to someone’s problems or feling, no one called me cruel before). I still can’t pull through that shock, the more time passes, the more it beats me, affecting my confidence, my health, my relations with other people. I don’t know how much water should flow under the bridge at least for me to return to the state I had been a year before. Though, I know it’ll never happen again, as well as regaining peace in my family, I don’t desire more as it was lost some time before we met.

I may have offended you again, telling that men aren’t worth being fought for, but my experience makes me think so. Of course, each man choses whatever is closer to him, trying to act in a way which is most suitable for him, and in some critical situations all around are not existing. I have realised it and this affair has taught me a lesson for all my life to keep away from anyone who may be interested to avoid further problems, regrets, and other consequenses. Of course, being more mature than 20 years ago, when similar happened to me, but situation was different and I was different, I was younger and didn’t care, and the feelings and emotions were different. That’s why now it is so hard to bear all the burdends of my blows and my emotional collapse. I felt that something terrible for me was approaching in Iv-Frankovo, that’s why my behaviour was a bit unsteady, in order to hide my worriers, but that thing could have appeared as they have, I couldn’t ever foresee. You may be surprised what exactly has injuried me so much, if I could have known the end, but apparently I couldn’t foresee it as it turned out to be, with so much disgrace, nothing to speak about moral suffering.

Moral suffering? It appears that you know very little about morals, as it was your entirely non-existent morals that helped to get us all into this mess. You should have thought about your morals before getting involved in such a thing. I'm so glad mine aren't tarnished in such a way.

You know, I told you about my character, I am a steady person, in my tastes, in my convictions, in my feeling. This is the main reason of my nowadays’ state, which can’t be healed in a week or two. But still worse for me is the aftermath of all this situation concerning my daughter. During the last months I felt I was loosing the contact with her dramatically, being a bad mother for her, neglecting her needs in my love, turning my feelings to some other direction. Now it is more and more difficult for me to rebuilt our contact, to turn her to me.

So now you try and transfer the blame for your child neglect onto someone else, just as you have been trying to deflect blame for the affair onto others. I imagine, though, that things were not quite as bad as you were trying to make out. Your only purpose for all this hyperbole was to make K feel guilty or sympathetic for your situation, which was also partly your responsibility, don’t forget.

Oh, I think I am not brief, and how can I be, when I was keeping it for so long, forcing myself to forget everything, but again, I am not a piece of wood. All is still alive and still tortures me.

Another thing, a bit closer to the ground, but not lighter for me, you tell me in one of the text that D wanted to fly with you, why? I’m sure not to shake my hand. [No it certainly was not to shake your hand: it was to make sure you didn’t get anywhere near K again. I was annoyed that K told you about my desire to come with him, but at that time he was well and truly in the affair ‘Fog’ so I had to accept it] But why on earth Martin’s wife is jealous of me? Did I give her reason? A is much younger and, I’m sure, prettier, and I have spoken to her on the phone, we texted several times. I thought she trusted me, texting for Martin on my mobile, but what is going on? And it is not first hand information to learn it from you. So who has tried to do that? I learned it from Bogusia! How many people in the project know about all my problems which I have never had before? But nevertheless, I don’t want to drop from the project because of this “vanity fair” around my person. Not for money, of course, for since I’ve joined it I lost most of my private students and my rolling in fresh money every day stopped, turning into waiting for accounts, when I haven’t got my remuneration for June yet, as the new tranche has only just moved. [Strangely, no mention here about that money disappearing from your bank account after it was supposedly hacked into!] I think, it is a silly idea to escape because someone is ill thinking about you, (and now it seems all are) showing your guilt in something you have never had any idea of. I will last to the end, how difficult would it be for me, and the only my guilt was that I fell in with a man who has treated me as a piece of junk, when the situation forced him. But I am not blaming you, typing it, my eyes are full of tears, but I can’t say it different. Well, I deserved it.

Even when I stop writing you such unpleasant stuff I will always remember how I hurt you without wanting it. One more fear of mine, how many more people will read it? I do hope not more than two. Dear K, I’ll never write you something like that again,
[Really!!] but I wanted you to know more about me and my soul where you unintentionally spat. [What a way with words you have!] Keep alive and strong. Tanya.

Despite K saying there would be no replies to any more of your emails, he felt this one needed a response, mostly to try and smooth the waters before the next trip over there, but you were obviously having the desired effect – that of getting a response to your ramblings. All you wanted to do was press home YOUR issues, get YOUR point across, how YOU have been misunderstood.

And following K’s response, we had even more of YOUR views. It was evident that this was going to be a very long-running saga.

30th Oct 2006:
Dear K, You still seem not to understand me. I have never given you a hint of leaving D, please, don't make me feel a monster. I have never even had such an idea, it would be too cruel of me. I was only naively fascinated with your person.

I am not aware of any occasion where K made a comment intended to make you feel a monster. Just another one of your overreactions.

On the other hand, the idea of corresponding in English from time to time, which can be regarded as trying to steal the unsuspecting man for the sake of passport still doesn't give me piece and comfort. Such an accusation is so alien to me, that is still ruins me from inside and interferes my life. I have always tried to correspond with native speakers in order to improve my vocabulary.

I did not say it was the process of corresponding in English that was suspicious. I would have been quite happy for you to do that and maintain a friendship (with both of us). Again, you were trying to get some reassurance from K that he didn’t think you were a schemer. I know you referred to the fact that I based my accusations on a stereotypical view of eastern European women, but, as I mentioned earlier, many people have been conned in this way. I once read a magazine article about a British man who had been deceived by a Ukrainian woman (in fact I showed it to K), in which he said that he had totally believed that she loved him. Of course, the real reason she was chasing him was because he earned 10 times the wage that her fellow countrymen earn, and when she got what she wanted she ditched him. I imagine this was one piece of information that K didn’t pass on to you! I cannot, therefore, be persuaded to think otherwise, based on your many attempts at denying it (are you counting them?).

Afterwards, I apologise for all I have done for you, as it follows that I was the main villain. Of course all positive moments cannot be taken into consideration here.

Thank you for your care about my family issues, I was too short and it is still alarming with my dad, so that the brother has to come to persuade him to go to hospital I hope you are still better. Tanya.

You then followed this up with a text message.

31st Oct 2006:
"K, Read my nit mail. Bad 4U? Not 2 hurt u but 4U 2 know what is going on in my mind. It was the last one with tears n sorry. I had 2 do it not 2 return 2 the issue.T"

The last one with tears? Not to return to the issue? Oh, how I wish that had been the case.

K’s response was, “OK, understand” and said (to me) this should be it for both of us and hoped that we could now truly move forward. If only!! As the November trip drew closer, K received the following email, again intended to elicit more sympathy. It appears you thought I might be responsible for trying to get you taken off the project again.

20th Nov 2006:
K, After everything has happened within the project, including the issue of business and private interractions, I became very suspicious about the sense of being trustful to anyone who looks helpful because after some time it turns out that it can be turned against me. This happened with me when I told you sincerely about my feelings to you, and you seemed just to jeer at them first persuading me to make a full of myself and apologise for everything I've done before your wife, as if it were only my fault; and then telling her all the things, which I did hope would stay between us, transfering me the information in such a way, as if everything that we experienced was a total shame, that I should feel guilty and miserable, after which I haven't recovered yet, and it will take me still long to regain the ballance.

I don’t think K ever jeered at you or made you look a fool, and he certainly didn’t persuade you to apologise to me, or make out that it was only your fault. Where did you get these ideas? K was simply trying to end the affair, which you should have accepted straight away without all this ongoing drama, so that he could start to get back into this marriage, as he’d chosen to do, and help to repair the damage he’d done TO ME. This should have been his priority; not trying to pacify you. It wasn't working anyway, so why he continued to try I don’t know. And yes, I did want to know certain things, and K had a duty to answer my questions. I refused to be kept in the dark. Marriage Builders recommends that the ‘wayward’ spouse should be totally transparent about all subsequent exchanges between the affair partners. Of course the ideal would have been total ‘No Contact’ straight away, but I knew that couldn’t yet happen until the absolute end of the project.

From the other side, I keep all the things you told me, which concern your personal life and your relations with your colleagues for myself, understanding that if someone trusts me I should respect it. So now I am being torn again between the things I can trust you or either should restrain in myself. But the whole situation looks like that I am not foreseen to be let to the training courses, or only for too short. I wonder if I can tell you more, as you know my confidence and trust to people is very damaged now, and I/m afraid if the results of my students' exams will turn out to be worse I really don't know how things will go. For the while I should check 38 works by the end of the week. I am not afraid of the challenge of translation, it is enough for me to look through the day before, but I am afraid of our meeting and of general look that I got frightened your wife because she threatened me and avoid my participating in the last session after the whole year of its duration. I can't really understand why the opinion has changed in our school just before the end. Tanya

Yet again, this warranted a reply, in which K tried, yet again, to explain his position and refute your imagined nonsense.

So, in November 2006, K and the team came across to Poland for the final trip of the project. This was a very difficult time for me, but I thought I would send you another email, which I did while K was over there, to answer some of the comments in your emails, and to try and appeal to your sense of decency (little did I know you don't have one). K knew I was going to do this and had seen a draft of the email. Sending it was another one of my big mistakes!

You sent a reasonable response, but again this simply turned the situation around to YOU, and YOUR issues.

26th Nov 2006:
D, I have read your mail and must ensure you that you can be safe and start your regaining confidence.

I have come back home as I have too much to have been done for tomorrow at my work at school, so the gentlemen will have to speak Polish with Poles and Ukrainian with Ukrainians tomorrow and you will be also calm about my being close to K, as now I am very far,about 70km off.

But it is not the main point. The matter is I have noticed that K appeared to have survived hard times and lookes really tired with a trail of suffering. I will write you longer mail when have time which I think will reassure you, as now I am to prepare a big time-consuming report for tomorrow. So, you my see the project has brought me not only personal problems but working to the ground for the whole year period.

I don't need anyone's sympathy, I want you to know it, I am a reserved and lonely person, though I have a family and many friends, and I have learnt to cope with my personal problem on my own. The last one has brought me a good lesson.

Here I must close as my work can be done by me only, no one will do it for me. Best wishes to you, Tanya.

P.S. It had to be a short reply, but I failed again. In this way you mispercepted me when I wrote a mail to Ian, where I thanked for their hospitability and expressed my excitement and fascination with the UK and its people (it's a good explanation after a lady in the airport helped me to refind my flight ticket), but not even a hint to personal matters. Foreigners can do stylistic mistakes!

Before K’s trip we had discussed what actions he would take, should you attempt to say or do anything of a personal nature. He promised not to get into any detailed discussions with you, but on his return I found text messages that indicated he had not completely adhered to this promise. I tried to get more information about what happened, but K insisted it was all innocent. I moved on from this, but was not entirely happy. According to K, you asked whether we were sleeping together again. K said he’d told you it was none of your business. I don’t know how true that was. He was probably embarrassed to tell you he was, in fact, sleeping with his wife! As I mentioned previously, we’d resumed our sexual relationship in May 2006 (apart from a short break just after the confession in October, while K had some tests to make sure he hadn’t caught anything!!).

Things became a little hazy for me at this time, as I was trying to cope with all this nonsense as well as suffering many health problems. I know K sent you an email in which he mentioned that there would be no more personal stuff discussed, and that all contact would cease when the project was over. I was still annoyed about the issues of K's recent trip to Poland and, in my anger, sent you a message, which I do now appreciate was another big mistake, but at the time I was not thinking straight. I really couldn’t understand why you would not let go.

Your subsequent replies were full of vitriol. I suppose this was understandable given the circumstances, but again, you were simply refusing to admit defeat and just wanted to get the last word in, in your usual sarcastic manner.

4th Dec 2006:
Dear K, I shall keep my promise about the translation, otherwise I would appear to look as an unreliable person, concerning whatever I promise and never do. It is not my feature and I always tried to be as I am. What concerns my last lack of presentations, being unready, I didn't promise, as I knew I wouldn't be able to have them done in time.

As I have also promised I am going to restart my translation on Wednesday noon, after our big report about pre-exams. Not to prolong a painful situation, I wouldn't like to mention some other respectable people who break their own promises. I have got contracts from Edyta and now, after my immediate respond to your rude mail, [I certainly don’t remember it being rude - K was never rude to you, it is not in his nature] I will send them back with my signatures, so I hope for Wednesday, that it will be clear to make it sure they have paid it all.

Now, what concerns your last request: Yes, you were the most terrific man in my life I have known before, and with whom I experienced the most delightful hours, as you did too (not very gentlemanly to tell it to your hurt wife),as you have mailed me once you have thought for long time about touches and smell of a hot woman because D wasn't anymore the person to expect these feeling from (no time to find the cites from your hot passionate mail).I, from the other hand, wasn't thinking of that, because I had (at that time) a husband, which was younger and didn't cause in my mind thoughts of the kind you had. I was just fascinated by you, without suspecting that only emotional closeness can go further, being sure that nothing can happen, having preliminary misunderstood your suggestions.

If you initially misunderstood K’s suggestions, then why did you pursue the relationship by coming round to K's hotel room in Krakow in April 2006, after first rejecting his advances? (Yes, he’s told me everything that happened) I suspect you were playing hard-to-get so that it didn't appear too obvious what you were doing. You could have left things as they were and continued to be friends and project colleagues, but you were more than just fascinated. You fully realised what you were getting into. As I've mentioned before, I believe you were flirting with both Ian and K initially, via your 'overly-familiar' (Ian's description) text messages and emails, but because K made the first move toward you, that's where you concentrated your efforts.

So, now when you are boasting of your openness and honesty before your wife, telling her what I have mailed and texted you lately, I have come to conclusion that you are just ridiculed above my feelings which hadn't died yet at a time I was telling you that. I'd like to remind you that it was you who told me the first, and so loudly, I must admit, that one of your colleagues may have heard it.

So, after your last mail I must say you are the most cruel and the most promise-breaking gentleman I know. I may exaggerate it, but you know what I mean. I never told the words which I had told you before to anyone in my life, and I remember you were amazed at the time you were reading them, even asked for repetition, and now you are just ridiculing, telling it to your wife and you are both discussing my naivety. But, despite my fascinating which you used to call suspending the rational judgement I was aware of the fact that it would finish as soon as the project finished, for it was clear, and I had no illusions on the continuation of our contact. [Yet again you make this statement, but it is a complete fallacy, because you had every intention of continuing to contact K, even expressing remorse that it would end] And because of that I had also a request to you not to tell anyone about my feeling. And you did give a word not to tell about the depth of my feeling to anyone. Afterwards who would they offend now? Only me being given up in such a disgraceful way, but no one else, I reckon.

So, in this case there appeares the question why are you so cruel, as you have said in one of your text, for D's sake? Do you feel satisfaction, or maybe, D feels happier when she knows I suffer now from being ridiculed and critisized by you? Is it a pure revenge for what she was experiencing during the whole summer, and because of my fault?

Dear K, in respond to all of that I want to tell you I am not playing for your sympathy or your compassion, as D thinks. If there is a person who needs this concern most of all in this situation, it is you, my dear K. I realised it when we saw each other for the last time, as you presume. And I am really concerned about you, but I know, you don't need it; you can't confess to it.

And please beleive me, my dream, as you also ridiculed me, is connected with some more important issue than a man for sexual relations, as you have mis-calculated. Neither you nor D know what can people who have children can dream about. And in my uncertain position, which I occasionally complicate myself the future of my daughter is the most important issue, as well as my work, as I am an independent and self-sufficient woman, never expecting favours from some superior people, and if expect, not in the way, you or you wife think.

And one more question, which doesn't give me peace. How can I keep contact concerning education with Ian when your wife blamed me in 'familiarity' to him? I really don't know what he thinks or knows. Here I hope my last question to you. Tanya.

And then another one after you received my email.

4th Dec 2006:
K, In my first part reply to your final request I have told you quite a lot to remember again that I had no intention to braek your marriage, and I planned to take a long breath after Zwierzyniec to think hard before mailing, and if to mail at all. But both of you decided to thrash me to the complete end and you have unite your tremendous effort to confront me and what goes on further? What do you want?

Now it is my turn to ask you, K, do you want to spoil everything? (though I have no idea of what you mean in Zwierzyniec) Are you so weak as to complaint about me to your wife instead of starting to comfort her? She mails me in anger that I am still interrrupting into your life, but what have I done lately? - Wrote to you things which you have first said to me the day before without my asking that?

K was not complaining about you - you were making false accusations again. And actually, it was more like K replying to YOUR constant barrage of messages, not the other way round. K was trying to end the relationship - he didn't expect to have to keep sending replies to your ongoing ramblings. You certainly could not accept this was the end.

I have no doubt you will show it to D again, or are you only copying the things compromising me and show her, cutting those which are not flattering for your present situation?

No, he did not do this.

I really hoped for the peaceful end, but I see you have been inspired by your wife on another 'Cold war', where I am getting not only the villain of the peace but also a family breaker, two labels I have never got before. And here is my request, please, come off your beastly fight against me, don't forget you are a gentleman (a refined one, from a secular society, as you esteemed yourself) and I am only a woman. Please direct your wife's anger into some other flow, which will be more usefull for your rebuilding period. Or, being completely frank, tell her everything, our affair started with, about your keen interest on my personal life, about what you have done with my mariage, don't be so unilateral. Both you and D have uttered me only your vision of my intrusion into your life, but you were not interested even to know about my issues, repeating all the time that my situation is different. Yes, it differs much, because I am not able to re-discover hidden love after deceit, never tried it. Or, sorry, it will evoke the next avalanche of outrage from your spouse, as it contains personal smell. Tanya.

Then you replied to my email.

4th Dec 2006:
Dear D, Now it is my turn to ask you to stop fighting with me. I have taken a short breath to calm down and to start the recovering (though it started to be complicated after the last training), and was considering about mailing to you, being willing not to do it any more, as I want to forget that hardest episode in my life, being aware of the fact that it is impossible to do it completely. That's why I totally disagreed with your husband for being as frank with you as having confessed everything, for your knowledge about the truth will complicate the temporal diminishing of those unpleasant events. However, it is not my business, after all. From the other hand if honesty and openness plays such an important role, let him be entirely open with you, I won't comment anything, neither I don't want to interfere your marriage, as you originally thought. The only thing I wanted to reply you, since you mailed me again, K has never discussed any of your marital problems with me, neither I asked him too much, though was interested in mine.

Another thing I want to remind you, and I am more than sure K has already informed you, I am just tired of that, especially after our last meeting, it is not only K, who looked suffering or you, as you are saying. So, please don't take me as a hostage of your personal problems and enrich your re-discovered love without hurting me, I am fed up with your united hostility. And, please, take into consideration the project matters, I quite agree with Geoff C that project issues should be superior to the personal ones, I tried to keep to this policy
[No you didn’t, and Geoff’s comments were, apparently, totally unrelated to anything happening between you and K] and despite of my internal injueries came to the final week, though was quite reluctant to see your husband again and to re-experience old worries. But now it will be more complicated for the project, for, though it ended, I have to send some more material and, as I intended to break any contact with K, it brings complications indeed. But here I should take into consideration your personal matters (both of yours) and consider your personal issues which emerge over project ones. On the other hand K has doubts about my honesty and fears that I can take money without re-earning it. [Total fabrication - yet again] So now I wonder how he assures about my translations, it is his problem up to him to resolve.

Please, get off me, sorry if it sounds rude, but I want to work in peace with my own thoughts and finish my project work wich depends now only on my consciousnes and my liability to the project. As you can see people have some trust in me and Martin didn't perform the role of Communist Party leader (the very case reminds me of that dull Soviet epoch, when someone suspicious wrote to Party boss with complaints and the fate of suspected one was resolved.) [I think this may be a vague reference to my suspicions about your motives] but was fair in his judgements, though I don't blame you for that.

As you can see I quite agree with you that episode left no one without being damaged. So it is high time to stop confrontation, and for you to start your re-marriage process, you are in better position, whatever it returns to you, because I wonder about possibility of restoring my destroyed marriage, but I don't involve anyone in this issue, and don't attact anybody, as reasonably see the main leader to the situation.

I don’t see how it affected your marriage, as your husband, as far as I am aware, knew nothing about this. It would have given me immense pleasure to have told him about this. Mind you, as I intimated earlier, he probably knew all about it and approved your actions.

I don't expect reply, and if it occurs, I won't respond, I am too exgausted with that. Give me a short break for rest and not to hate your native language which I enjoy both studying and teaching and was sublimally so severely punished for that. Tanya.

After these emails, we assumed (and hoped) that this would be the end of it, being written as they were with such venom, but just when we started to think we would now be able to get on with our lives, back you came. You had the nerve to ask for K's help, which you didn’t really need, it has to be said, as all K did was search the Internet, which you could have done yourself. This request wasn’t connected in any way to the project, and I wish I had not agreed to K helping you with this.

17th Dec 2006:
Hello K, I stopped corresponding with you from the reason both of us know, and tried to solve some translation issues differently. But lately I have got a very difficult task from our county authorities (now I understand why Mr. W passed it to me) where there is too much terminology connected with flora and fauna, some of them I couldn't find even in the biggest dictionaries, especially the names of birds (and you are expert in it) and different plants and butterflies. As far as know, Ian,your best friend, is really a bright expert in these branches, but unfortunately I can't ask him about help, as he hasn't responded my mails (short, non-familiar, concerning project matters only),I may presume one reason for it. If it is proper from me, and doesn't evoke outrage, can I send you Latin names of the words, I can't cope with, on your mail-box so that you could consult with Ian or do it on your own to reply me as soon as by Thursday, please? The whole text isn't big, only 5 pages, but too much terminology and simultaneously we were allocated one more burden: translation of economic analysis after thermomodernisation of our school, this time all of us three have got the part. I have already referred to Martin about some peculiarities of translation Polish geographical names and terms, but I don't want to disturb him too much again, as he is just after health problems, and he's got quite a big family.

I also asked Doug G if he could correct some of my grammar or typical mistakes, the foreigners do, and he graciously agreed, having no preconception against me yet, but now I'm afraid it will be too much for one person, as I actually, doing several thing at a time, haven't predicted the ammount. For native-speaker, however, it isn't too time consuming, I hope. I will also ask my Ukrainian friends from "Roztochchya" reserve to help me too, as some names of butterflies and plants are too Greek for me. If it is impossible, please, let me know, I won't die. I will be awaiting for reply. Regards Tanya.

So, K helped you with your translation, and then explained to you that he would be moving to a new office and that any future correspondence should be sent to Ian or the others involved in the project. Again you responded and expressed concern about not being able to keep in contact, saying "....but it can be a prompt to me that our contact even in respect of some exclusive linguistic issues will stop for ever. Not the fairest feeling." This was, again, in direct contradiction to your many previous comments that you were preparing yourself emotionally for the end, and that you had no illusions about further contact being possible, etc.

K decided to call it a day and not respond to any more emails. At long last!! That didn't stop you trying, though, with even more emotional blackmail.

21st Dec 2006:
Dear K, This mail isn't, by all means, playing for your compassion or an attempt to restore your good impression of me. On the other hand, it isn't the purpose to upset you either, I have never done it, despite of my sardonic style of expression my thoughts. Whenever I hurt you, I did it unintentionally, it went out sublimally without too much effort.

So, now, before Christmas and New Year celebration, it is time to say either apologetic words or the words of forgiveness to each other. I am doing that, though I have been warned not to do it any more, because it is not personal matter, it's accepted in the whole world, no matter whether you are devout Christian or a secular person, to say the above mentioned words. It is a sign of good manner, I assume.

First of all I want to thank you, K, for everything you have done for me: for your help and for appreciation, for your support during my hard work and you advice. I am not flattering you here, these are just words, any people, even who hardly know each other say to themselves.

As far as I understood from your eluding replying my question (which I asked just ocasionally, not being focused on it) [If you weren’t focused on it, why bring it up again? You were focused intently on it, is my guess. You were fishing for a reply to your “not the fairest feeling” comment in an earlier email. But what did you want K to say? Did you imagine, perhaps, that he really wanted to remain in contact with you, but I was preventing him from doing so? Of course I would prevent it. What did you expect? Would you want your husband to stay in contact with an ex-mistress following an affair? I don’t think so.] and suggesting me to refer to any of your colleagues in different issues, concerning translation issues, you have made up your mind to stop any contact with me after changing the office. [Yes, wasn’t that what we were trying to say all along?] Alas, your personal matters are more crucial, and I wish you successful solution of everything you are seized with, including marking significant 25th-anniversary of your marriage (or, as they say 'Silver Wedding' which you are having in January. Just an irony, mine 15th anniversary is in January too, just on my St. Day which has been lately wide-spread, Tatiana patronizes students on January, 25. But 15 years ago I didn't know about it.

I also wish you sustainable (if it sounds polite) and peaceful state of mind and good health, and good friends. I can't extend more, not to overstep the mark, but everything I wished you is in the proper frame friendly people can wish each other.

However, K, there is one issue, I have wanted to tell you since October, but I just had no opportunity to do it, nor because I feared to upset you, neither to look to arrogant [Or perhaps because you simply hadn't had chance to make up the story until now]. But after re-accessing lots of things, I dare tell it you to be honest. It is your choice to show it to your censor or not, it depends on the sensitivity rate of the latter but, I have never looked with superiority at anyone, coming back to our talk in October in Olympus. I was much more surprised than upset having known that, and as much shocked as with the unwell idea of 'writing familiar mails to Ian in order to break his marriage'. But let's come off that, I hope things are much more better now with all of this, I don't expect to hear anything from you, perhaps in a few years, when you recover and forget completely everything. [NO CHANCE]

Finally, I'd like to confess to the fact that your wife was a bit right, she's just mixed up the days. It wasn't on that day when I was wearing that damned white jacket, which I have never put on again. And it was not a glance of superiority, no one has perceived me like that, it was me, who errouneously thought of myself lesser than others and always under-estimated myself. It was just a short glance of disappointment when you introduced your wife to me, as I expected to see as elegant and refined lady as her husband proved to be.

Oh, this is just priceless! I don't know whether you are genuinely recalling this incident incorrectly, or whether you are just making all this up (I suspect the latter). I can’t imagine what effect you expected this statement to have, or what you expected K to say. Firstly, I will put you straight on this – it’s YOU who’s mixed up the days, not me. This incident was NOT on the night we were first introduced. You had the jacket on at our second meeting, not the first. I would certainly not have been so forward as to touch your jacket collar when meeting you for the first time. On our first meeting everyone greeted each other in the usual polite way as we gathered before boarding the coach to go to dinner at the country pub. You wore the white jacket a couple of nights later when we went to the pizza restaurant in town. I could have proved this, and in fact I did so to K following receipt of this email, as I took photos on both those evenings and checked the dates on the computer. I am unable to prove it now, though, as all photos of you have now been deleted.

Secondly, at that stage you didn't have a clue about my personality and qualtities. Your perception of me could, essentially, have been as a result of your rose-tinted view of K's qualities, but then again, in February 2006, this was also unlikely, as you didn't really know what K was like back then - the project was only just getting off the ground. Your affair had not started at that time, and you had spent very few hours in his company up to then. It is utterly ridiculous to suggest that you can get such an impression when first being introduced to someone. K did express an opinion that you probably didn't realise the insult you were inferring here, but I think you knew exactly what you were saying.

Based on the above information, your statement simply does not add up. You were, in effect, saying that you could see into the future! Think about it: this incident happened in February 2006; your affair started in earnest in April 2006, when K was on his own with you in Krakow (the meeting following your February visit over here). K said he started to pursue you AFTER the February visit, and it was only then that your message exchanges started to become more personal. So, how would you have known in February that K was to become elegant and refined? It could only have been after April that K became 'elegant and refined' in your eyes (or at the very least in between the February and April meetings). So, it comes down to this: you gave me a look of disappointment (as you claim it was) in February based on your 'discovery' of K's qualities in April, or thereabouts!! Not possible!!

Actually, it was more than a look of disappointment, and I had never said it was a glance of superiority, so either you or K got that description wrong – it was a look of pure hatred. Initially I thought I had breached a protocol issue so I quickly backed off. Later that year (in July, when we were on holiday, the week after K had slept with you in York, and when I was still blissfully unaware of the true extent of the affair), I happened to recall this incident to K (which he then later informed you about), and I was convinced that there was a much deeper reason for the way you looked at me. I think you definitely had plans to initiate something with K, even before he started to chase you, and this subsequent blatant lie in this email convinced me even more so. Between K's Ukraine trip in October 2006 (when I called him to say I'd found your incriminating email, and when, I presume, he told you about my recollection of this incident), and sending this email in December, you certainly had the benefit of plenty of time to think up a story to exonerate yourself from any blame (yet again) and you certainly concocted the most incredible fairy tale that I have ever come across. Again, you wanted to appear to come out looking the better person - as if I was the one making it all up. It didn't work!

So, I may or may not be elegant and refined, although that’s a matter of opinion, but at least I have morals, honour, character, integrity, principles, dignity and pride – things you obviously cared little about. At least I don’t have to live my life with shame and regret.

I do hope, dear K, this my confession didn't upset you, neither it evoke your anger. The only reason of that is my narrow subjective 'viewpoint' and my first sight impression, which could be errouneous then. You can ask yourself why I'm writing all of that. There may happen some more unexpressed thought to appear, but I feel it is a good-bye-mail to you because you want it, though I have different opinion on that. The cultural and polite people don't break contacts, if they come on friendly trail, without harming anyone as I am not harming you and your personality now.

We didn't want any more 'unexpressed thoughts' - we expected you to accept that K wanted to end the affair and move on. Again, this shows you were not preparing for the end at all, as you kept professing. I suppose your 'opinion' stated here was again that you thought I was forbidding any further contact. I will put it to you again, what did you expect? That I would be happy for contact to continue after you'd been affair partners? Any further contact would have meant that the affair was still ongoing. Friends can become lovers, but lovers cannot become friends. I wonder what the topic of your conversations would have been, had you remained 'Just Friends'!! I doubt you would have resisted making personal comments, or talking about your past 'liaisons'. There is no way you could have reverted to being friends once intimacy on that level had taken place. But I think you get the picture as to why this ongoing contact could NEVER have happened under the circumstances. Perhaps you simply wanted to maintain the relationship in the hope of getting other favours granted. And as for the bit about '...if they come on friendly trail, without harming anyone...' - do you honestly think that no-one was harmed by all this? This was just another one of your efforts to make K feel guilty. And a desperate attempt to get him to keep in contact - trying to get him to consider your hurt above mine.

Oh, and a friend gave me a great line in response to your comment about the “…cultural and polite people...” which was, “The cultural and polite people don’t shag other people’s husbands.” Classic!! So, who is more elegant and refined, do you think?

Nevertheless I wish all your worries had left in the old, gone year. I wish you all the best, dear K. I hope you'll read this mail before changing the office and before starting the Christmas break and you will realise at last that it is only the far away friend who is mailing that. With best wishes and good will. Tanya.

When you received no response to that email, the following month you decided to try another ploy to get a reply.

24th Jan 2007:
Hello K, Now I understand perfectly well that you are not the colleague to Dave E only. You are the co-author of his publications and your joint project were quite successful. With respect. Tanya.

And then another. By this time I thought it was going to be one a month, and we tried, unsuccessfully, to get K’s email account to block your address.

5th Feb 2007:
K, I’m sorry to bother you, and I’m not sure it is good to translate it, but I felt it oblidged to forward it to you, as Zhanna has mentioned your name here. She asked me to give their best regards to English gentlemen, and the last sentence of her mail I hope you’ll be able to read yourself, as I’m afraid you’ll misunderstand me again. It’s only about how THEY in Ukraine miss you. Regards.

Forwarding a message written in Ukrainian was a very strange thing to do, but it was, again, just an attempt to get a response. You obviously expected K to ask you to translate this, as you knew perfectly well that he couldn’t possibly be fluent enough in Ukrainian to understand any of this. No response, so you try again.

11th March 2007:
As no one else expressed the necessity of having the translations both in Polish and Ukrainian, I’m mailing them to you.

Apparently I’m translating about peat survey for Ian from time to time, so, I’m not sure which is more important this one or things which had already been delievered before the project report was made? Lest someone wants to study Polish and Ukrainian? I’ve put som ammendments into the files I made earlier, as to translate everything from the very beginning is self-molishing. Tanya.

And a few minutes later:
I’m sorry for bothering but I felt oblidged to confess in making indeliberate spelling mistakes as the consequence of my sickness, i.e. I didn’t see very well what I was writing. Regards. Tanya.

Oh, poor you!! There was no doubt at all that you were dying for a sympathetic response with this one. This could have gone on for months, had K continued to reply. As it was, it went on for long enough after the end of the project. A short time later, the university cancelled K’s account because they assumed he didn’t need it, as he’d moved out of there into another office, as he told you he would be. Thankfully, any subsequent messages would bounce back. I do hope you tried it! As for text messages – well, we destroyed the mobile sim card shortly after the end of the project and 60 days later the mobile account was cancelled due to lack of use. If you tried to send text messages, they appeared to send, but voice calls would have received a message that you had dialled an incorrect number. However, when changing my diary inserts for this new year, I noticed K’s old number was still on last year's details page. As a test, I dialled the number and it went to a voicemail, so they have obviously now re-allocated the number to someone else. I hope you’ve tried that, too!!

I started out on this journey feeling quite helpless, and it was especially hard with all the health problems thrown in as well, but I now realise that it takes a really STRONG person to stand up and fight for something they believe in, and to be able to create a new and better marriage after it's been almost torn apart. A weaker person would simply give up and run away. So, there is life after infidelity, and we are not powerless or at the mercy of others IF we choose our own path. I chose the path to recovery, gave K the directions, and he decided to travel with me - BECAUSE HE WANTED TO. So, in one respect, your not-so-subtle accusations that I was pulling all the strings were almost correct. I was the driving force behind our recovery and the rebuilding of our marriage, and I was the one who guided K in what he needed to do to help me, but you were totally wrong with your assumptions that he was doing it reluctantly. If he truly did not want to make things work, he would have packed his bags.

I think, in truth, you really wanted to believe that K did not want to be in this marriage, and if it was up to him, he would never want to end contact with you, but you are totally wrong on that score. Having made the decision to stay with me, K wanted to help me and was willing to do whatever was needed, and that meant no further contact with you AT ALL, FOR EVER, a decision you somehow could not appreciate or respect. Remember, friends can become lovers, but not vice versa.

I really do wonder how you would have reacted in my position. Imagine if your husband had an affair and the ex-mistress wanted to keep in contact as 'just friends' and bombarded him with emails, and accused you of putting a stop to it. I suspect you would have had something to say about that. There is no way I would have approved of any further contact under these circumstances, and I am totally amazed that you would even think that this might happen. It is quite unbelievable that you expected to be able to stay in contact. On the other hand, maybe you were purposely trying to split us up so that you would get him back, either because you truly loved him, or, even more likely, in order to further your original plans. As I’ve said before, some of the comments in your emails were definitely intended to stir things up between K and me. Perhaps you thought this would drive me off. Well, you picked on the wrong person to mess with!

I have probably rambled on too long, but I think I needed to make you understand, or at least attempt to (as I don't think you can even begin to know the upset and heartache you caused). If you saw this letter, I suspect you would come back with even more excuses and justifications for your own actions, and even more 'woe-is-me' tales. I began to think that maybe I was overreacting, but then your true nature came out again and again – vindictive, vitriolic, sarcastic, hateful, bitter, etc, etc, and I quickly disregarded that feeling and resumed my original opinion.

So, I will finish by saying do not ever even think of trying to contact K again. And if you ever manage to find a way into the UK, legitimately or otherwise, do not dare to come anywhere near us, or I will be down on you like a ton of bricks. Consider that a warning! If you do try and make further contact, I will employ a lawyer to file stalking and harassment charges against you. Yes, I am really threatening you now!! And I haven't forgotten what you look like!